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A walrus and apocryphal history |
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A walrus and apocryphal history defined

MediaCity, Gritty, Regeneration, Urban, Northern.

No it is not Manchester

No it is not Manchester

Don’t forget it’s not Manchester

Better than Manchester, so there!

Good music BUT expensive beer

The place where I live

That’s in Manchester, isn’t it?

Wet! Partially nice, partially shit

Crap chinese buffet. Good venues!

It’s quite similar to Liverpool

It is a beautiful oasis

In the main quite cool

Posh, beautiful, crazy, peaceful, happy

Lowry, Industrial, canal, rainy, welcoming

(p.s. I come from Devon so I don’t really know Salford)

Lowry, crazy, friendly, interesting, loved it

(and I’m from Devon too!)

Posh, beautiful, attractive, enjoyable place

Community, health care, football

Amazing, community, united, happy, together

The Original Dirty Old Town

Salford in Sign Language

(they drew a picture of how to sign Salford!)

Media, tram, manchester, rain, culture

Lowry, wet bridges, Juliette Burton

Home, developing, friendly, trees, Lowry

Wet, shiny, lights, arts, work

Buzzing, arty, earthy, wet, underground

Famous, arty, dodgy, small, different

Diverse, northern, working class, gritty, quays, cool

Gentrified, disappointing, wet, Smiths, crime

Posh people on bikes mostly

You’ll always see bicycles crash

Driver’s nightmare: bikes are everywhere

People moaning about the bikes

History of Smart Funny People

Home of Anglia Ruskin University

Too expensive, move to Ely

Really very almost Fenland. Almost.

Misogynistic; stuck in 1958, cows

Posh, punting, smelly river, Heffers

Poverty privilege: city of extremes.

Inwardly snobbish, behind closed doors.

Unfeeling, Arrogant, Entitled, Dog-eat-dog City

Someone else’s party going on

Posh, rural, university, expensive, quaint

(I’ve never been though!)

Politer than your average place

Bridges over the river Cam

Two good pubs at station

Fell asleep, missed my stop

Like Oxford in many ways

Almost as good as Oxford

Oxford is undoubtedly better obvs

Relaxed. Varied. Green. Welcoming. Compact

Spa, Posh, Yorkshire, Refined, Bettys

Gardens, History, Springs, Emmerdale, Bettys

Bettys bettys bettys bettys bettys

Posh old ladies eating fat rascals

Tunbridge Wells of the north

At least it’s not Leeds

I have never been there

They will all love you

Aged, cold, windy, well heeled, old fashioned

Not York

Posh, hilly, friendly, narrow roads, expensive

Pretty, pretentious, historic, ‘a town’, cold

Lovely, scenic, artistic, varied, curious

Haven’t won, but still trying

Underrated, Multi-cultural, Buzzy, Historic, Surprising

Welcoming, chilly, fun, surprising, curry

Diverse, artistic, unappreciated, welcoming, food

In between Sheffield and Corby

The place I call home

A place I call home

It’s the city we’re in

City I was born in

It always smells of weed

Typical midlands mixed friendly town

Leicestah – ooh – yoh – me – duck

Curry, rugby, shopping, football

Bold, beautiful, food, more food

Historic, exciting, treasure trove, friendly

Lovely, ali’s, lovely, town, nice

Kind, beautiful, interesting, nondescript, unstoppable

Crowded, busy, cultural, dirty, noisy

My friend Charlie, her family

City, big, funky, students, buildings

Open, multicultural, fearless, opportunity, change

Historic, beautiful, interesting, busy, friendly

Seaside, Dreamland, JollyBoysOuting, KissMeQuick, Goths

Cosy, friendly, quiet, kind, welcoming

Cheese, cider, sunshine, Wurzels, Glastonbury

Best place I’ve ever lived

Beautiful, sunny, countryside, claustrophobic, small

Arty, colourful, gentle, home, seagulls

Urban, family, coffee, dogs, home

Hippie, liberal, friendly, independent, weed

I moved from London to Bristol 3 years ago and have never looked back!

Korean central of south-west london

Tide went out, never returned

Canny little place getting bigger

Gulls Geese Swans Pigeons Birdpoo

White hippies meet student diversity

One hit wonder by Rhine

Would like to be posh

Tranquil, nature reserve, historic town

Not as posh as Harrogate

Old people, waiting to die

Vibrant, International, Complex, Exciting Entertainment

Probably been here too long

Changeable, mine, massive, surprising, awe inspiring

Home of the O2 arena

I swear it was busier

A walrus and apocryphal history

Expensive, romantic, beautiful, crazy, historic

Too many really expensive houses

Rich liberals, divorced from reality

Historic, maritime, beautiful, delicious, green

Historic, iconic, inspiring, waterside, parky

Several towns stitched together

Insufficiently close to home counties

Multi racial, stupid, rule breakers, ethnic, followers

Has 3 shopping centres

Iconic, diverse, exciting, resilient and fun

Historic, Beautiful, Friendly, pressurised, international

Big, little, diverse, port city

A small simple village

Loud, vibrant, sunny, chilled, bustling

In tier three

Woke vegans and awful students


Small Capital City of Cornwall

The home of chocolate toothpaste

Old, beautiful, nerdy, river, cows

The people of A walrus and apocryphal history defined

I am introverted as f*ck

Scientist with a great beard

Funny, Irish, Drunk, Paranoid, Dislexic

Quiet, loving, mature, quirky, philosophical

Funny, lovable, drunk, loves Juliette

White middle-aged man thing

Curious, contrary, silly, helpful, contradictory

Kind, loving, hopeful, Liverpool fan

Not good at being concise

Crazy, enjoy life, like laughs

Caring, fun loving, open, sharing, intelligent

Creative, stresshead, SEN teacher, Disney Princess

(6 words but I break the rules)

Unconfident, scared, angry and hopeful

Silly, messy, patient, kind, human

In the moment, absent minded

Stubborn, kind, upbeat, flippant, sturdy

Old, open minded, socialist, creative, literate

Sexy, bright, funny, headstrong, self-centred

Free, fun, fabulous, forty-four, flirty

Tired, content, settled, achey, me

Hilarious, kind, generous, sincere, gregarious

Dwarf-like, generous, devilish, beautiful, best friend

Shy, introvert, caring, damaged, loving

Natural rebel

I am past my best

Complex, fun-loving, serious, anxious, loving

Anxious, middle-aged, grey, rushed, here

Warm, friendly, adventurous, caring, abrupt, honest

Agile, arrogant, positive, strategic, steady

Dad, husband, brother, son, friend

Bubbly, friendly, talkative, hard working, passionate

Dyslexic, Kind, Romantic, Funny, Sensitive

Competitive, loyal, energetic, efficient, sensitive

Father, husband, employee, runner, tired

Determined, funny, loving, sexy, hard-working

Loyal, honest, awesome, kind, caring

Optimistic, caring, smart, loving, organised

Reliable, trustworthy, honest, kind, grumpy

Detailed, stubborn, loyal, friendly, determined

Tall, overweight, talkative, lively, kind

Happy, busy, caring, empathetic, tired

Tall, try to be funny

Fun, kinda smart, friendly, loyal

Older, smilier, wider, curiouser, odder

Deluded, dippy, awesome, intriguing, waiting

Strange, distant, smart, silly, shy

Blonde, blue-eyed, brainy, European, Londoner

Spiritual, kind, funny, silly, ninja

It’s me really, isn’t it?

Anxious, bouncy, clever, loyal, passionate

I tend to overthink things

bald, unstylish, aged, fake Scot

bald man, but with potential

friendly, cuddly, and good listener

literate, musical, well-travelled, always tired

uninspired, tired, optimistic, serious, inconsistent

confident, unconfident, caring, selfish, unstable

confusingly hyper yet depressed mess

A yogi who loves pie!

musician, journalist and music journalist

Second row fourth from right

Lasy I’m very bad at spelling

Juliette Burton is my life!

I am a rebel

37 fringes – will it end?

Overworked, underpaid but still fabulous

Still don’t have a plan

Just gets on with life

Special, special, special, special…SPECIAL

Not definable in five words

Too late to write this

West country boy enjoying retirement

Looking forward to retirement soon

German Londoner living in Edinburgh

Sweet but stressed furless kitten

Like a really tired dog

Nice guy (some assembly required)

Dominant ruler of the world

More of an Empire guy

Strong minded f*cking brilliant babe

Old old old old old


The oldest teenager in town

The greatest support act ever

Not good at counting

An amazing guy lacks girlfriend

I’m having an existential crisis

I am the crab man

Clever, good-looking, sporty, funny, LIAR

F*ckwit, gorgeous, wizard, superfunny, LIAR

Rich, funny, lovable, handsome, LIAR

Practically perfect in every way

Determined to enjoy life fully

I smile on the inside

A big, fat, old bastard

Free for dinner on Friday

Really trying not to fart

Venal, disingenuous, flippant, procrastinating, dissembling

I shit myself in public

My name is John Smith

Sunshine, BO, chocolate, monkey, yes

Man, Scotland, awesome, fun, human, bad-at-counting

Introvert, self-sacrificial, evidential, inquisitive, self-critical

Pedantic, empathetic, psychic, logical, independent

Dog-loving, anarchic, liberal, introvert

Optimistic, kind, supportive, non-judgemental, fragrant

Sex-pest, excitable, thoughtful, funny, impressionable

Smart, cool, sartorial, calm, determined

Multitasker, supermum, unhinged, loyal, indefatigable

Beautiful, funny, loyal, bottom, GAY

Creative, kind, teacher, happy, generous

Idealistic, cynical, tricophobic, lonely, precipistic

Moody, mercurial, volatile, pragmatic, spotaneous

Tall, Scottish, purile, infection-free

Loyalty, chivalry, chastity, eggs-benedict

Terrifying machine of ultimate destruction

Not really very good at writing (or counting)

Hello, where is my wife?

Positive, open minded, kind, funny, cheeky

Positive, optimistic, gullible, determined, happy

Best person I’ve ever been

Happy, sad, grateful, shattered, emotional

Gay, gothy, sleepy, reader, writer

Loving, unsure, loved, underdog, powerhouse

Thoughtful, kind, resillient, impatient, wine

I like watching police shows

Middle aged man in lockdown

Very sunny person likes fun

Tired Anxious Skint Surprisingly Sober

Lost but not without hope

Apparently a grumpy old git

Chilled grandpa, too little cycling

Natural Rebel

Getting old and falling apart

World President of Egg Throwers

Empathetic, Intense, Nerdy, Complex, Witty

Too tired to think properly

Open-minded, narrow, funny, sociable, grumpy

Bi, ace, enby from Berkshire

Live Life For Live Comedy

A walrus and apocryphal history

Slightly quirky around the edges

Caring, loving, funny, crazy, dreamer

Stressed, middle aged, graying, mother

Brit in an American’s body

Aggressively confident, energetic sloth

Mostly trying to be positive

Hard-working, fun-loving, energetic, food addict

Ready to laugh out loud

Performer, Illustrator, Doubter, Hider, Procrastinator

Very British: just awkward enough

Active, Sporty, Vegan, Animal lover, Proud Military

annoyed at constant changing rules

Lazy, impulsive, adventurous, friendly, caring

European, cynical, pragmatic, optimistic, creative

Successful writer, singer, business techie

A friendly Irish woman abroad

Full, happy, comfy, warm

Horribly insecure and bad at maths

Happy, small, shy, mindful, rugby


Tea drinker, befriender of dogs

Peacock disguised as a human

People of A walrus and apocryphal history are

A yogi  abrupt  absent minded  ace  achey  adventurous  aged  Aggressively confident  Agile  amazing guy  anarchic  angry  annoyed  anxious  arrogant  awesome  awkward  babe  bad at maths  bad at spelling  bad-at-counting  bald  bastard  beautiful  befriender  best friend  Bi  big  Blonde  blue-eyed  BO  bottom  bouncy  brainy  bright  Brit  British  brother  Bubbly  business techie  busy  calm  Caring  chastity  Chilled grandpa  chivalry  chocolate  clever  comfy  Competitive  Complex  confident  confusingly hyper  content  contradictory  contrary  cool  crab man  Crazy  Creative  cuddly  Curious  curiouser  cycling  cynical  Dad  damaged  Deluded  depressed  Detailed  Determined  devilish  dippy  disguised  disingenuous  Disney Princess  dissembling  distant  Dog-loving  dogs  Dominant  don’t have a plan  Doubter  dreamer  Drunk  Dwarf-like  Dyslexic  Eclectic  efficient  Egg Thrower  eggs-benedict  emotional  empathetic  Empire guy  employee  enby  energetic  energetic sloth  enjoy life  European  evidential  excitable  F*ckwit  fabulous  fake Scot  falling apart  fat  Father  flippant  flirty  food addict  forty-four  fourth from right  fragrant  Free  Free for dinner  friend  friendly  from Berkshire  Full  fun  fun loving  fun-loving  Funny  furless  GAY  generous  German  gets on with life  good listener  good-looking  gorgeous  gothy  grateful  graying  great beard  gregarious  grey  grumpy  grumpy old git  gullible  handsome  Happy  hard working  hard-working  having an existential crisis  headstrong  helpful  here  Hider  Hilarious  honest  hopeful  human  husband  Idealistic  Illustrator  impatient  impressionable  impulsive  In the moment  inconsistent  indefatigable  independent  inquisitive  insecure  intelligent  Intense  intriguing  introvert  introverted  Irish  Irish woman  It’s me really  John Smith  journalist  Kind  kinda smart  kitten  lacks girlfriend  Lasy  laugh out loud  Lazy  LIAR  liberal  like laughs  likes fun  literate  lively  Liverpool fan  lockdown  logical  Londoner  lonely  Looking forward  Lost but not without hope  lovable  loved  loves Juliette  loves pie  loving  loyal  Loyalty  machine of ultimate destruction  Man  man thing  mature  me  mercurial  mess  messy  Middle aged  middle-aged  mindful  monkey  Moody  mother  Multitasker  musical  musician  my life  narrow  Nerdy  Nice guy  ninja  non-judgemental  Not good at being concise  Not good at counting  odder  Old  Older  oldest teenager  open  open minded  Open-minded  Optimistic  organised  overthink  overweight  Overworked  Paranoid  passionate  past my best  patient  Peacock  Pedantic  Performer  philosophical  positive  pragmatic  precipistic  procrastinating  Procrastinator  psychic  purile  Quiet  quirky  reader  really tired dog  Rebel  Reliable  resillient  Rich  Romantic  rugby  ruler of the world  runner  rushed  sad  sartorial  scared  Scientist  Scotland  Scottish  Second row  self-centred  self-critical  self-sacrificial  selfish  SEN teacher  Sensitive  serious  settled  Sex-pest  Sexy  sharing  shattered  Shy  silly  sincere  singer  Skint  sleepy  small  smart  smilier  Sober  sociable  socialist  some assembly required  son  Spiritual  sporty  spotaneous  steady  Strange  strategic  stressed  stresshead  Strong minded  Stubborn  sturdy  Succinct  Sunshine  superfunny  supermum  support act  supportive  Surprisingly  sweet  talkative  Tall  Tea drinker  teacher  Terrifying  thoughtful  Tired  tricophobic  trustworthy  try to be funny  trying not to fart  trying to be positive  Unconfident  underdog  underpaid  unhinged  uninspired  unstable  unstylish  unsure  upbeat  Venal  Very sunny person  volatile  waiting  Warm  watching police shows  well-travelled  West country boy  White  wider  will it end  wine  with potential  Witty  wizard  World President  writer  yes  adventurous anxious awesome beautiful Caring Complex Creative Determined Drunk empathetic fabulous flippant friendly fun fun-loving Funny generous Happy honest hopeful human husband introvert Kind LIAR literate lovable loving loyal middle-aged Old Optimistic passionate positive serious Sexy Shy silly smart Stubborn talkative Tall Tired Unconfident Warm